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oh yah. jieying and huichu, sorry i just saw your comments on the comments thingy. haha just never bothered to check on them.

yes, it's pink, i'm too lazy to look for a good template.

and yes i'm going to nus.. not sure if i'm going for any activities though.

these free days

I'm so happy. Just had one drink at home with my sis, and three more before that in two bars at Emerald Hill with Xuwen and Judith.

And I thought I saw an old fellow choir member, singing his heart out in one of those bars. I wasn't sure but the guy smiled anyway so I waved and went on to explore the other bars.

I want to go to SINGfest, still looking for people to go with.

Ah.. these days are just lovely larh. Waiting for school to start, no obligations as yet, so leisurely and so free. I have lots of ideas. Yessssssssssssssssss...

(Oh yah. Xuwen is an unsuccessful shopper. HAHA.)

I used to think I was a modern girl, now I know it's not true.

I'm in a strange mood.

Used to think that I wanted to do great things, now I just want to live comfortably.

Thought that my problems and neuroses were different, but they've all been analysed in an earlier time. Solved. You know me inside out when I open my mouth.

I'm just a copy of every girl before me.

Tried to be adventurous in seeking entertainment, but those songs I loved in the end were those that brought up drama and familar images. I don't understand anything artistic.

Late nights used to mean all night. Now it's just 3 am in front of the computer.

Wanted to open my mind, but the innocence parlayed left with no great insights to take it's place.

Silly, vulnerable kid.

I've got my family, and my friends, my schedule, and my traditions.

Pirates

I'm still quite stunned by today. It's great to know that there are still things that really shock me out of my wits.

First shock is what people can do to get what they want.

Second is how they don't feel that they are doing any wrong.

And the third is how well I handle it.




Yes, I think I handled it well, considering.

On a happier note, at least Pirates was good.. Better than the second instalment.. A little confusing at times, but it was mostly due to me not being able to decipher their slurred speech. Was able to temporarily put aside my irritation to enjoy the movie.

Yes, I think I'm ready for adulthood. :)

errrrr FUN STUFF

Errrr... Went to have dinner and then sing songs at partyworld with Candice, Kellyn, Aimee, and Yanqi. Realised that I was in the presence of some really good singers about two thirds of the way into the singing session. HAha.. Okay.. I really have nothing more to add about fun stuff. Oh, haha.. the old songs were fun, even if I never heard some of the chinese ones before. It's just good cheesy music. We should do this more often :) ok really got to go..

people have interesting lives.

Karaoke is always fun :)

On to the things you don't always talk about when having fun.

I met a girl at work today. She's friendly, baby-faced, and the same age as my sister, but her experience in life was fascinating enough to keep me from feeling too bored during those long hours. Well, okay, it's nothing serious like childhood abuse or anything that can make it into a local tabloid, just normal things many teens go through, but it's still interesting.

She's working now but she will be going to ITE and then hopefully poly. She's had 7 boyfriends so far. That would be okay, but then you remember that she only started dating at 16, and she hasn't reached her 18th birthday. Her current boyfriend is many years older than she is, and they... er... Well I'm not saying it's anything new to me okay, no that would be hypocritical, it's just that she's 17+. Born just not long ago. And she sounds so experienced!

Uh. I feel old and auntie and disapproving.

Oh and there's smoking too.

Disapprove!

update

Forgot to add: I got the acceptance letter from NUS sometime last week. I think everyone who needs to know already knows, but yeah.

Thanks for your support.

blankets of sianness

I'm so so so so so sian! Er okay, met up with Jieying today. It was pretty good as unplanned outings go. We ate at this Japanese place at Bugis with really poor service... know the menu, or at least English, people! Then later went to try on funny dresses at various shops. That was the good part.

And then I got home.

I don't understand my own mood swings sometimes. ):

Do Not Give Up Hope

I got my rejection email from NTU today.

Way beyond feeling screwed about my life, it actually felt quite okay getting that email.

It's really the reactions I would get upon telling people of this news that scares me. I guess I am not a naturally positive thinker, but this is how it goes: my mother will care out of habit and duty, my father the same thing. Some friends will care out of a morbid fascination with charity cases, and some will wish I did not tell them (it ruins their day).

Okay peeps, here's the good part. I actually think that I am too smart to stop studying, or to settle for something less. Here are my plans. Plan A: Go to Australia. Plan B: Work for a year to plump up my CV, then reapply in Singapore, and the USA. Plan Z: Go to a private uni in Singapore.

Plan Z is named thus because I really don't want to go there.

Here are some things I'd like to have cleared about myself.

1. I know that it is my life. I don't need people to tell me that.

2. When I tell people about my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that I want advice, sympathy, or a lecture. It means that other people at the table have been talking about their lives and since we are all supposed to be good friends, I share mine too. I don't mean to ruin dinner, and I will now stop short of passing judgement on anyone whose dinner can actually be ruined my me talking a bit about my life.

3. I don't welcome sympathy.

4. I do, however, welcome constructive comments.

5. I do think of plans. I am not stupid just because NTU didn't want me.

6. I do think.

7. I do think.

8. I do think.

9. I am observant. I know what people secretly think. If I complain that people are treating me like a lesser being, it is not because of stupid shit like "low self-esteem". It's because those miserable people actually think of me as a lesser being. Wrongly.

10. I have a healthy sense of self-worth.

11. I think that people invented the term "low self-esteem" to justify treating some people like lesser beings. Don't you think that argument that goes, oh, that girl deserves it because that's what she thinks of herself, is weak? No? Then you are a bad person.

12. I am the person they are going to regret not picking.


I'm not that sad or lost or anything. People, I am your age. However, if you have any solid advice, feel free to approach me. Just don't preach. Oh, and don't patronise. Thanks. I will treat you to something if I am not broke.

hurt

If some people can have 6 children and have all of them grow up well adjusted and loved, why is it that my parents seem to have run out of love after only 2.5 kids?

Each parent is only capable of loving one of us wholeheartedly. They have just a little left over for the other 2. My mother chose Anthea, and my father chose Kimberly. I just got left behind somewhere. Funnily enough, I got there first.

Today I went to JB with my aunt. We discussed favoritism over lunch, and she laughed about how Mama always liked some of them more. There were ranks, she said. However, now that I think about it, Mama may have liked some of them more, but she still had space in her heart for more than one favourite. I just don't see why my parents can only cope with one.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not accusing anyone of neglecting me. Sure, I am hardly hungry, my education has been paid for, and I am worried for (once in a blue moon, when I actually give them something to worry about). However, I can't help but get the sickening feeling that any concern is purely out of duty. Why is it that everytime I try to say something to my mother she doesn't answer back nicely, and is sometimes sarcastic? How come when I was little she told me that if I were someone else's daughter, she wouldn't love me at all? Why is it that my father gets defensive when I suggest sharing food with either of my sisters? (That gets suggested when we're all not that hungry, duh. I'm not trying to steal anybody's food! My gosh.)

Okay. Get this.

I'm not depressed. I may be a little tired today, but I came home quite happy. So why the rant? Let me tell you. This is what happens when you dislike one of your own for no good reason. The hurt gets in so deep that everytime something small happens, your child will break down. Not that you'd know. You'd be sleeping, or tutoring some other kid, or driving your students around because they are apparently pitiful (and you never want to fetch me anywhere), or on the computer (and when something goes wrong with that machine all fingers point to me), or whatever it is that keeps you busy.

Sometimes one of you will cry in front of us kids and expect sympathy. Okay well, I'll try, but it's a little hard to do so when all the things I've said that saddened you, all the things about you being unfair, they are fact. And more so because hey, I also cry you know. I just do it in private and I don't try to milk people's sympathy. Besides, you wouldn't be crying if the things I said were untrue, right? And the worst part is, after that you go back to your usual ways.

So. Back to today.

I tried to shower but our domestic helper Yanti was bathing too so the water pressure was too low for the showerhead to work at all. So I asked for anyone out there listening to me to ask whoever was using the water to turn it down a bit so we both can bathe, but no answer. For a very long time. Finally, I gave up, put on a towel and went out to ask, again. (In this house you have to yell to get your point across. MANY TIMES.) My father said something hurtful. And my mother finally, finally, asked Yanti softly and politely if she's just started bathing.

Hey no, it's not bad to talk to Yanti politely. Out of everybody in this house, I can communicate with her best of all, okay? It's just that it's so unlike the way my mother speaks to me.

If they can think about fairness to everyone else, why not to their own kids?

See, small thing, big drama in my head.

I know, I know. I just can't get around it. Everyday, this sort of thing happens.

Here's a depressing thought for me: What if my sisters had never been born? Is it possible that I'm so unlovable for my parents that they will still not like me? In that case it can't be said that it's because they are nicer kids that my parents love them, but simply that I am a horrible, repulsive one. You know, before my youngest sister was born, my father's favourite used to be my middle sister? So then, both my parents favoured her? Oh yes, all the uncles and aunties like her better too. Here's what I think are keeping my parents together: Their religion, and the happy distraction of their favourite kids.

Nobody likes me. ):